In response to the decline in NFL television ratings, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell has organized press conference to answer report questions. This is fake, but ask yourself: “How real does it sound?” (Disclosure in case you missed the first one: No, we didn’t actually interview Goodell).
GOODELL: Thank you to everyone for coming. Press conferences are a great way for us in the administration to stay in touch with the reality of what’s happening in the league and in the sport in general and more importantly, to correct some fake rumors that have been spread about our great league.
REPORTER: Mr. Goodell, what do you have to say regarding the NFL’s declining ratings this year?
GOODELL: I’m going to say this once, so that everyone can understand. This has been the single most-watched NFL season ever, period—both in person and around the globe. Period. Anything written or verbalized that says otherwise is a sad attempt by the biased meeeedia to undermine the tremendous success of our league this year.
REPORTER: But Mr. Goodell, the television ratings for the divisional round of the playoffs were the lowest in seven years …
GOODELL: Fake news. Those ratings are intentionally manipulated to appear smaller. I personally saw the crowd watching the games, and it was tremendous. Every TV in the country was turned on to football. It was like a sea of love, I liked to call it. A sea of love of people watching football, on TV.
REPORTER: Mr. Goodell, do you think fans are taking issue to what some experts have noticed is a declining product on the field?
GOODELL: There’s no problem with the product, I can assure you of that. No problem there. We put out a tremendous product every game, and people love it. Like the bright jerseys on Thursday Night Football. People love it. The media hates it because their eyes can’t tell which team is which. They…the people, I mean… call me, every day and they say, “Roger, we love Thursday Night Football.” Real, overlooked Americans, who just want to be able to be … 18 hours a week watching football.
REPORTER: Mr. Goodell, would it be uncomfortable or awkward for you to have to hand the Vince Lombardi Trophy to Robert Kraft, Tom Brady and the New England Patriots should they win the Super Bowl, given the nature of your Deflategate punishment?
GOODELL: Absolutely not! It would be a wonderful, wonderful thing. Bob and I, we go way back. We’re great, great friends. I’ve been a huge admirer of the Patriots, since the very beginning. The record shows that. You can watch any of my past interviews. I’ve had numerous conversations with Bill Belichick. In fact, he called me the other day, and I spoke to him about it. He said, “You’ve totally been on our side.” And that’s been since the day he was hired. If somebody would call up Bill Belichick, he’ll tell you—I’ve always had a great relationship with the Patriots. It would be wonderful to hand them the trophy. Glorious!
REPORTER: So are you saying Deflategate and the subsequent litigation, suspension and appeals process had no effect on your relationship with the Patriots’ franchise?
GOODELL: I don’t understand why you people are still talking about Deflategate. No one cares about Deflategate but you. I had the best people working on it. We really put Brady through the ringer. Nobody was more worried about the balls than me. When I heard about Deflategate I told Melania, “Oh jeez, what has Tom got himself into now.” But when we looked into it, and we really did, we found that there was nothing wrong. And we had the best people on it.
REPORTER: But, what about the PSI of the balls? They were clearly underinflated by 0.32 PSI.
GOODELL: That report was disproven. Disproven, in a well respected report, that I looked over very thoroughly. You guys are just looking for every opportunity to bad mouth me. SAD!